When Innocence is Gone

Sitting at the bar of a small club in central London, as the clock stroke 1, I shot him a text, “Hey, are you home now?”

After 2 minutes short, he replied, “Where are you?”, which I did not waste any time to answer as I knew it was his code for “the apartment is clear.”

Feeling pleased by his fast response, I simply said, “I’m coming over”, knowing his door would be left unlocked waiting for me.

Kelvin and I had known each other for about three years. Long story short, we started out as friends with benefits then gradually became real friends with the occasional benefits when we were both single.

That night, I was single and I was not in a good mood, so I texted him. His collection of whiskies and classic movies tempted me every time. Plus, he always smelled good.

Taking a sip of his Scotch which might be even older than me, I made myself comfortable on his king-sized bed as soon as I arrived. It looked like he had just got out of the shower as he was wearing a bathrobe with his hair still damp and spiky.

Kelvin sat down next to me, looking at me amusedly with his dreamy brown eyes. I was sure a girl did not need any alcohol to be turned on by this, let alone a dirty-minded one who already had too much to drink like myself.

Straight to the point like I had always been, I put down my glass and turned to him the same way a lioness spotted her prey. To his amazement, I climbed on him and locked him between my legs, slowly undressing him with my eyes, then my fingers and mouth.

However, instead of joining me and the sexy mood, he unexpectedly let out a laugh.

Still on top of him, I paused, asking confusedly, “What’s wrong?”

With his eyes staring into mine and his hand pulling a strand of hair away from my face, he replied with a question, “Do you remember the first time you were here? What you said to me?”

Of course I remembered. We had some pretty awesome sex on the first night we met. Right there. This bed.

“Which part?”, I asked.

He recalled, “When we were lying next to each other. I asked you why you were here.”

Not knowing where he was going with this, I answered matter-of-factly, “Yep. I said, I have no intention. I just adore you and I want to feel you and be comforted by your aliveness — all that cringe-worthy romantic crap. But to be fair, I was ready to experiment and you did manage to fuck an intention out of me, though. Haha…”

He watched me quietly for a moment then said, “You really have changed”, with a smile that I could not really read.

Now, that’s a statement that could easily catch anyone off guard. I was cool about it, though. We did sometimes talk about deep stuff while fooling around. As usual, I just rolled with it.

“Haha. You think so? Actually, yeah. If I ever got in bed with a guy I had just met now, it would only be for some steamy business, no bullshit. Back then I blah blah way too much.”

“I actually think you were kind of cute”, he shrugged his shoulder.

“Cute? Now you make me feel bad! Am I not cute now?”, I sat straight up and folded my arms.

“No, don’t get me wrong. I like you now too. You know what you want and you’re not afraid of asking for it. It’s all good.”



I just think it was cute that you genuinely wanted human interactions, to feel alive, all that sort. But yes, coming to a guy’s place at midnight like you did wasn’t the best strategy for that.

And honestly? That night, I had no interest in knowing you in any way. I just wanted to get laid. So I talked you into it. Otherwise, I would have thought it was a waste of my time.”

“Oh, really?”, I raised my eyebrows, “Don’t worry, you didn’t force me or anything. I liked you too, haha”, I light-heartedly clarified.

“No. Of course not. I would never do that. But I guess now I have also tweaked my thinking a little,” he shared truthfully, “If I came home with a girl and she said she had no intention — it shouldn’t matter what time of the day, you know, I wouldn’t get pissed or think I’m losing out on anything for not having sex with her.

In fact, I would be pretty happy to pour us some wine and maybe just have a good chat.”

“Eh, that sounds kinda gay”, I blurted out bluntly, “But yeah, I understand. Been there, seen that. Young boys and the desperation to get laid. That’s why I prefer you now. You’re calm and cool. And at least you don’t make me feel like a stupid blown up doll.”

“Haha, what’s that about? Tell me.”

I climbed off him and lay by his side instead. Resting my head on his firm chest, I told him my story passionately, “Okay, I was a bit bored so I texted this guy after two years of no contact. It was 10 p.m and guess what? He arrived in like an hour.

Thought I would have a good night, turned out he made all the way to my house, like an hour of travelling each way, so two hours in total okay, to pull in and out for like… 5 minutes. I mean, whaat?! Danny would definitely beat that joke any day.

Oh, Danny is my vibrator, and by joke I mean that dude’s penis which was totally not working properly, by the way.”


“What? I’m serious. I was very disappointed”, I jerked my head to show him how serious my face was.

He kept on laughing. “You know, you used to be curious about what it’s like to feel my skin and all that sensual stuff. Now you complain about a penis not working properly. Did you hear yourself?”

His question made me wide-eyed. “Oh my god. You’re right. I’m really not innocent any more, am I?”, I buried my face in his chest like I tried to bury my own embarrassment.

“Haha, don’t worry, you’re fine, kiddo.”

“Hey, don’t call me kiddo, okay? I’m a grown woman! Does kiddo have boobies like this??”, I declared stubbornly while grabbing my own breasts for demonstration. And that only made him laugh even more.

He stroke my hair, assuring me while reaching for his glass of whiskey, “You’re still young. Changing is good. Now, you’re sure about yourself and that’s very attractive. One day someone will bring that romantic side out of you and you will be a silly little girl again. I’m sure about that.”

I sighed heavily, agreeing with him, “Yeah, I know, life is a real bitch. I can’t wait to meet that someone if he could do that kind of magic to me”, then I jerked my head again, looking at Kelvin eagerly, “But it’ll be someone with a penis that works properly, yeah?”

He almost spat out the Scotch. His laughter then could possibly wake the whole floor up.

“Jesus. Shut up, Kelvin. Let your neighbours sleep!”, I grunted while quickly covering his mouth…

Short StoriesEllen Nguyen